The Schneider Family Website

Kids Are So Funny

Every year we go up and down our middle class street selling cookie dough as a fundraiser for cheerleading.  I took both girls on our solicitation mission, the littlest, seven years old at the time, who frequently misspeaks but comes very close with her near misses, and my oldest who is very smart and well spoken though not always very tolerant of discomfort.

When we were all the way down at the other end of the street my oldest started complaining of being thirsty.  We walked up to a house with the garage door open with hopes of making a sale and as we did, I saw a man in there with blue jeans and a black tee shirt, a cigarette hanging from his lips, a few tattoos, a goatee with unshaven surroundings and a pony tail.  I also saw a rather shiny, chromed out Harley in there.  This guy was a genuine biker.

My oldest fearlessly announced what we were doing and the man said in a gruff voice, "Hold on.  Let me go get my woman.  She don't let me have any money 'cuz she's afraid I'll jump on that thing (pointing to his bike) and go to the bar."

The man briefly left and when he returned we started talking about various guy things, tools, bikes and stuff.  Despite his appearance, he was a pretty decent guy.  He introduced himself as "Flip" and offered the girls a each a Gatorade.  They both looked at me for the nod of approval which, upon seeing two sealed bottles, I gave.  The girls were very appreciative and thanked Flip for his timely generosity.

His woman came out, looked over the choices of cookie dough, and after conferring with he man, bought two tubs.

We thanked them for their support and again for the Gatorade, shook hands and headed down the driveway. As we did, my littlest girl asked me, "Did he say his name was Flop?"

I'm glad he didn't give me a Gatorade because I would have sprayed it all over the place.

Darth Lego

...and my oldest kid (11 at the time) says, "What if Darth Vader was a girl?" My littlest (7 at the time) responded instantly, without even taking time to think, in her best Darth Vader voice, "Luke, I am your mother." I almost drove into the ditch!

goose-truckSo our whole family is in the car driving along and all is quiet. Suddenly my 6 year old right out of the blue says "Pretend you were a goose standing in front of a truck and you both honk."

So my littlest one has a loose tooth. It's a top-front and apparently it's worth a lot!

Lets start at the beginning. She was in the bath tub and called me in there because she had something to ask me. She said, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth, see? Will you punch my tooth out?" I told her, "I think you are just going to have to wiggle it out."

She went on to tell my wife and I about how she was talking to a friend who wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy and asked for a necklace. Well, she got it. In both girls eyes, that was a great deal...but she could do better. She then presented us the letter she wrote to the Tooth Fairy and it went link this:

Dere Tooth farey Plese give me 60$ ho and plese give me a kmoto dragon

We explained what a kmoto dragon was and I held up my arms wide. She said, "No, not that big." and I said, "Yes, that big." Later, I figured out she was thinking of a Bearded Dragon which, by the way, are $59.99 at the local pet store. We also explained that 60$ was also a bit much, even with inflation and all.

She disappeared down the hall and emerged a little while later with her revised letter as follows:

Dere Tooth farey Plese give me 20$ ho and plese give me giant stuft white animl bunny rabbit May I plese cepe my tooth

She is so stinkin' cute! (I told her that once and she said, "I'm not stinky!")

So our six-year-old daughter is talking about "forward focus". The other two jump into her conversation with "No it isn't!" "Yes it is!" Of course at their ages everyone just had to be right. The debate then moved on with our six-year-old talking about a "forward expedition": "Uh huh!" Huh uh!" "Uh huh! See there!" That's when it dawned on me that she was not talking about a forward anything but a Ford Focus and a Ford Expedition. How funny!

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